Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Oral Sex and Were Afraid to Ask

"Will you give me oral pleasure?"-Butch's French girlfriend in Pulp Fiction

I left out part of the conversation that I had with Flibberdigibbet the other day. After she disclosed about Claudio's teeney peeney, I said "Well the good news is that tps tend to be very good at oral."

Flibber: Uh, well, he tried, but I'm not into that.

Bunni: What do you mean he tried?

Flibber: Well, he started to, but I stopped him.

Bunni: Why?

Flibber: Well, I didn't feel comfortable doing that with him.

Bunni: Ok let me get this straight you were comfortable having sex with him, but you weren't comfortable letting him go down on you?

Flibber: Yeah.

Bunni: And this makes sense to you?

Flibber: Yeah.

Bunni: You're nuts. If anything I would let a guy go down BEFORE I slept with him.

Flibber: Well, the thing is I'm not very comfortable with my body.

Bunni: You are a 20 year old dancer, and you're not comfortable with your body.

Flibber: No. I don't think I look good naked.

Bunni: Well, I don't see logic solving this problem anytime soon.

But later when I considered Flibber's problem I realized that I had been the same way when I was her age. When I was in college, all the guys who said they were into oral, which was all of them, were either lying or their idea of "being into oral" was to give it to me for all five seconds before trying to have sex. Basically they figured out it's a good way to get a girl's panties off if she is at all resistant to sex. The few who were genuinely into it, well, they weren't very good at it. They had the technique of a dog drinking from the toilet. So I developed an aversion to oral, but even before the aversion, I could never really enjoy it.

Part of my lack of enjoyment came from the fact that I couldn't imagine that HE was enjoying it. And my inability to imagine that he enjoyed it mainly came from the fact that I wouldn't enjoy going down on a woman. ( are you confused yet?) Generally, when a guy did go down, all I could think about was that he was thinking how awful it was and would I cum already so he could stop and you can't really enjoy yourself when you're convinced the other person is totally disgusted.

But then I met a guy who not only enjoyed oral, he absolutely insisted upon it, and he indoctrinated me into allowing myself to enjoy it. The first time Kevin tried to go down, I stopped him .

Kevin:Why did you do that?

Bunni:I can't imagine you enjoy it.

Kevin:Listen, bunni, if I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't offer to do it.

Bunni: I think you must be bored or disgusted or something.

Kevin: When a girl is lying on her back saying 'Oh G-d, oh g-d', disgusted and bored are the farthest things from my mind.

Kevin explained that he derived pleasure from giving me pleasure and beyond that it gratified his ego to be able to satisfy a woman in that way. And then Kevin absolutely insisted on giving me lots of oral pleasure until he was completely sure that I was over my little hang up. Another little gold star on his sexual resume. ( in case you are wondering Kevin is part of the male harem-you don't just throw talent like that away)

But it struck me that quite a few women have the same hang up as Flibber, and there just aren't enough Kevin's go around. But why is that? Kevin is right, if a man offers, clearly he isn't disgusted, yet so many of us worry about what he will think, is he is disgusted, are we taking too long-when we should just lie back and enjoy it. What's creating this hang up? All the men who aren't into it? Woman's magazines? Tv commercials for feminine hygiene products? Where does this paranoia about our nether regions come from?

Of course I have a hard time even blogging about it as I am worried about you all thinking I'm shallow and ridiculous, but it struck me that there are a lot of women out there like Flibber, absolutely gorgeous and unable to allow a man, even one who offers, to pleasure her and that's just plain crazy. So I just lay back and blogged about it. And if I have helped just one woman to enjoy herself more in bed, I'll feel I'll have done my job as a blogger.