Had It

"Listen, you need to open the drawer, find the biggest baddest one you got, strap it on and fuck 'em with no fuckin' mercy."-the Bad Buddhist-fellow prof.

Ok so I threatened to quit today AGAIN. I was already upset dealing with research papers, so disappointing I can't even believe it, I've never had to fail so many students, so I called the Bad Buddhist who gave me that advice. So I came in with the whole I am the teacher and you are the student and you need to respect my authority swagger, and sure enough even more horseshit gets flung my way. And I'm sure, I am absolutely sure, given the hostile yet lazy nature of this particular group of students that the horse shit has just begun. On top of all that suddenly the jolly green giant isn't calling me. So now I am all twisting in knots going what the fuck have I done now? And if the guy is ditching me before my birthday can't he at least have the decency to call so I can make alternative plans. I mean, I'm not demanding emily post treatment here but a little consideration is too much to ask?

I am so upset right now, I am back to where I was with Israel, crying at my desk. What bad Buddhist wants to know is, "Ok I know for a fact that you do everything to help your students. You give them chances I would never even bother with. So you put in all this extra effort and then they fuck you. And here's what I don't get, when they fuck up and fuck you over, YOU feel bad. What the hell is that? Fuck them. They worked hard for the D-so give them the D and if they give you shit in the words of Richard Pryor 'Tell them to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up'." ( And now you see why he isn't a particularly good Buddhist)

I don't know myself what is that makes me blame myself when students are so bad and fail on such a level. I don't know where this guilt comes from. But I do know where it's going-to find a jacuzzi sized martini.

I have discovered that I can actually guage my level of emotional upset but the drink I fantasize about

relief after an extremely stressful period-margarita
general ennui or boredom-hard cider or corona
generally stressed about work-gin or vodka and tonic
serious upset-martinis
catastrophe-shots from the emergency tequila under the sink

Now if I continue on my current mood tragectory I am going to have to add two new levels-moonshine and bottom out with rubbing alcohol.

Send me love people, and olives, lots of olives.

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