Sexual Etiquette

1. Don't drop your used condoms on the floor...or place them on the windowsill...or put them ANYWHERE really BUT the garbage-in college my roommate's boyfriend used to leave his condoms on the windowsill to petrify in the sun-I am still scarred by the experience

2. If you have to ask if I came, the answer is no.

3. If I say no to something the first time, I am not going to say yes after you harass me with the same question fifteen times like some kid in a supermarket trying to get his mom to buy two types of sugar bomb cereal. In fact, every time you ask me to do this thing, I will remove an item off the list of things I was willing to do with you.

4. Do not jump up immediately after sex. Much like the courtesy bumper between a law and order episode and a commercial, sex, even the very worst, deserves at least a moment of considered silence before making an escape.

5. Leaving marks is ok, but do it on places easy to cover. A giant hickey on the end of my nose is not appreciated.

6. You should not consider watching your dog drink out of the toilet a tutorial on how to perform oral sex.

7. You don't like teeth near your privates? Neither do I.


When I originally wrote this post I had three other rules, but then the post mysteriously disappeared unsaved and now I can't remember what those other three are. Maybe you all can help me out? What say you to the things a person absolutely should NEVER do in bed?