"Why don't you give her a nice kiss, boy, before we go stampeding towards the clitoris?" John Cleese teaching sex ed. inMonty Python and the Meaning of Life

Jewish Boys and a Lack of Sexual Competence and Snuggling

I would like to say this for the record first. I am Jewish. By Judiac law, no matter what I believe, I was born Jewish and I'm going to die Jewish. So I have said it.

Having said it, I would like to say every once in a while I meet someone who so embodies every negative stereotype about Jews-stingy, kvetching, obnoxious, big nosed, for the men-totally lecherous-and when I meet these jews I reminded why certain people hate us. Of course, this happens with pretty much every race. My friend Jin hates this woman in our office, S, because she is the living embodiment of the "ghetto chick" and what these people do is reinforce negative stereotypes.

But what I want to talk about here isn't stereotypes. I want to talk about sex, and why jewish boys can't fuck. OH they CAN fuck, but they just can't do it well. The great lovers of my life, not a jew on the list, and I have given many of them a shot. Like the one this weekend (the one I have sworn not to write about, but I could careless about what he thinks because I am going to drop him like a bad habit), all I could think of when I was screwing him was the above quotation from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life "Why don't you give the girl a kiss before we go stampeding towards the clitoris?" Say it with me one time Jew Boy "FORE PLAY." Adn if you can't do it well, at least let me get on top and I'll drive!

I was talking to Jin about this, and of course, Jin being a more upfront guy (I think people should know better or read my damn body language-like the utter lack of movement or moaning should be a tip off.) says I just tell him. So here is the plan, if I ever let him near me again, I'm going to say "Ok put your tongue there and I don't want to see you for a half an hour. Take some cds if you must. If you want to prop up "Of Human Bondage" on my tummy and read while your doing it. Fine, but god damn, make sure I'm at least wet before you do anything else."

Ok that was a little more graphic than I intended, but you get the general drift. I mean if he was great, I could put up with the lack of good sex. But it's like date five and already there are problems AND the lack of great sex. Oh and there is a big lack of snuggling, and I do need snuggling. I demand snuggling. I want it, I deserve it, and I'm going to get it. I am snuggle bunni. I don't want you to pay for dinner. I don't want you to bring flower. I don't want you to send me boxes of chocolate. Well I do, but what I really want in snuggling. I want to watch movies all curled up with you on my couch. I want to wake up wrapped up in your arms or with my head on your chest, got it? So do it already.