The Real Alien Problem

This post was inspired by the black saint . In his post entitled "God, I am old and cranky" he discusses his problems with the movie Independence Day.

Now this is some what unrelated but I am hoping still amusing. The town where my mother moved to while I was in college is prime UFO country. In fact in the early 90's there was apparently a series of famous UFO sightings in the region. There was even a book (I don't have the energy to find the title), and I know all this because the newspaper I worked for up there actually had me do an article about it. So I had all this UFO stuff and interviewed people who saw it and the whole nine. So I was talking about UFO abduction with my friends and in our typical manner we were not taking it seriously at all and we developed the following theory.

Now if aliens are super intelligent beings (if we even assume the aliens care to travel instead of focusing on domestic issues like welfare reform and housing) and they care to come our way, and assuming they aren't terrified by a race of beings that thinks shows like "The Bachelorette" and "American Idol" are actually worth sitting down and watching, a race of beings that so can't believe that fast food is fatty that they sue the manufacturers, if they aren't so terrified by that, does it make sense that they would proceed to land in the middle of nowhere and mutilate several cattle in order to learn basic biology?

As Bill Hicks would say "Has it occurred to anyone that these might be hill billy aliens? That they might be some intergalatic Joad family? 'Don't you all want to go to NY or LA?' 'No we just had a long trip, we'd like to kick back and whittle some.'"

Basically what came of our discussion is that it is patently unlikely that such intelligent creatures would have to mutilate several hundred cows just to understand simple carbon based life forms, they would probably simply head to a library. But then we realized why even go to a library, everything they need to know is online. And that's when we realized that the whole reason why we kept getting kicked off of aol was that the mothership was trying to download information about the next Justin Timberlake appearanc or download free porn off of kazaa.

So there you have it people, the AOL alien conspiracy revealed at last. If something should happen to me, call David Duchovny and tell him to stop acting in movies. (Saw a trailer for "Playing God" last night on the video I rented. I just want to grab that man and shake him and say "Did you learn nothing from Kyle Maclachlan and Twin Peaks? Do you really want to end up in the remake of 'Showgirls'?")