Two Things

First, I am now filled with the "Did I do the right thing?" thoughts. The one's that one to make excuses for the vanishing act (not calling or returning calls or writing back to the email). The ones that say "Oh he was busy out of town, thinking you understood his difficult schedule and then suddenly he's blocked from your email. Now I know it's irrational, but will someone please tell me that I did the right thing?

Also I had the following IM exchange with a student tonight:

Student: We all appreciate that.

Bunni: "we all"- who else is with you?

Student: I meant in the broader sense of all us who have come to love the Bunni that we know

Bunni: You make it sound like I have a fan club.

Student: Sound like?

Bunni: Ok let's not feed my ego-it will only destroy my surly charm.

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

A Man Offers A Possible Explaination

It seems that the breaking up thread isn't just on my mind- Geese Aplenty has offered an explaination for why men are so bad at breaking up. And of course, this self aware badness may lead men to avoiding the situation altogether. (Anyone see Carrie's post-it break up rant on Sex in the City ? "It's the fact that you don't want to be the bad guy that makes you the bad guy.") Still I'd rather get Greg's "I have prostate cancer and if you stay you'll have it too" than "Gee I wonder if my boyfriend has suddenly emigrated to another plane of being without notifying me" any day of the week.

Break ups are bad. No matter how nice, sweet, or well handled they are. It doesn't matter if you do the leaving or he does. It's going to suck. Somethings in life just aren't going to be good no matter what. But that doesn't mean we can't give the other person what little comfort we can-the respect of telling them what is going on and letting him know so that he can move on with his life. It's a choice, a simple choice.


"You who knew me...remember and suffer"-Musetta in La Boheme

Well, I blocked Israel's email. Crossed out his phone number. I have not been as sad as I thought I would be, but then I realized I've been mourning his loss really for about three weeks. I feel free now. I don't have to sit and worry about why schmucko isn't calling anymore.

However, and I would like to address this as to all who are dating, I remain resolute in my belief that if you refer to someone as your girlfriend or boyfriend OR you are dating for more than two months (and I mean really dating-or hell even if you are just sleeping together for over two months) AN ANNOUNCED BREAK UP OR TERMINATION OF THE CONNECTION IS REQUIRED. It's not optional, people, it's required. Take five seconds out of your day to write an email "It's over. PS It wasn't your fault." I've been living in NYC for ten fucking years, I can take it. At least then I can say "Ok somebody get me a marlborough light, and a corona, and the number of the hot twenty one year old by the door. Oh, his friend is pretty cute too, see if he's free as well." Instead I have to sit and wonder "Do I still have a boyfriend?" And then curse myself when I finally realize that I don't AND I missed out on hot 21 year old ass. (OK in truth 21 year olds are not that great BUT better than the invisible man am I right?)

"I am the dog? I am the dog? Harry, if anyone is the dog around here, it's you."-Meg Ryan ( as Sally Albright) in When Harry Met Sally
As I have often said there is a special place in hell for people who break up via email, text messaging, fax, im, answering machine message, postcard, post it, and note written in lipstick on your forehead, but BUT at least then you know. There is a much darker, more painful special place in hell reserved for those who don't bother to break up with their boyfriends and girlfriends.
(And yes Israel referred to me as his girlfriend-so there)

I have addressed this point several times including in this post where I came up with a handy check list for men on why they didn't call back.

"What do I do now he's gone?"-name of a song I had sing for my sophmore year singing class

I am on the path to moving on ( right, sure, a month from now I am going to be crying into my tea pot on my birthday over this schmo), but and I know this is my weakness, I do have an urge towards revenge. Israel will of course be added to the list of men who didn't call in 2003, but as for other forms...

"I won't because all of me wants to regardless of consequences." Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade in Maltese Falcon
There is a part of me that wants to call up a few of my male friends to go and beat the hell out of him. I mean, really I am not above the desire to see him spiting out a few broken teeth. Or send him a link to the blog ( because he doesn't even know it exists as far as I know). Or even link to his contact info. Now I wouldn't do these things, but I am so tempted. I am so tempted. Because I am hurt, and really I want him to hurt just this much. And I know he isn't otherwise it wouldn't have been so easy for him to walk away.

Fucker.

"Karma is just justice without the satisfaction. And I don't believe in justice." James Caan in the Way of the Gun

I do feel that I am owed an explaination for what happened because I am totally confused and when the possibility for happiness vanishes so quickly the only satisfaction I can generally find is understanding why. Of course understanding why is my whole job, which might explain how, despite everything, I still want to know what the hell happened. Because really I can't figure it out. But I'm never going to know so I am going to try and focus on the things I do know like what is the meaning of the universe.


Timing is everything in life

Strangely John Yule showed up on my door step last night. I invited him in, as I was surprised after I told him I was no longer available that he showed up. I told him what happened. He said "He had to be gay. No man can lie in a bed with you and just kiss you. He's gay."

Well, um I'm sure his ex wife of 11 years would have been pleased to know that when he said to me about his marriage "We just grew apart" what he really meant is "I like cock."

Because at times like these a girl needs several attractive men armed with ostrich plume fans

The male harem has been oustandingly supportive in this time of need. Bishop said to me on wednesday night, "You mean that guy I saw you with. OK first I am so much hotter. But listen, you're gorgeous, you're smart, you're funny, you're brilliant, and you are one of the five hottest pieces of ass ever." ( Five? What does a girl have to do to get to be number one?) "The problem is you need a stronger sense of self. Let me tell you something when I was young, I thought I was it. I had this girl, fabulous, great sex, sweet girl, very smart, very together, very considerate. Well, I treated her like dirt. And finally she said to me "Look I like you but you aren't worth this.' And I regret it. I regret it still. And you need to be like her. Because if he can't see how amazing you are and how you should be treated, he's being myopic, and I don't just mean those glasses he was wearing."

John and I currently made plans for saturday night at which point he promises to make me feel better.

The Man Who Wasn't There title of a Coen brothers film

Israel "New York was preparing you for me" ( second date)

yep two years of abject misery dating assorted idiots from the outlying areas seems like fairly good preparation for yet another guy who think he's all that and couldn't even handle dialing a phone and saying "Um sorry the mother ship is leaving it's been fun but I must tame the barbarians hamster hordes of Alpha Centauri-good bye my dear we'll always have Auction House. Have a good life. Never forget."
The Resulting Wretchedness

One of my students had that phrase in his paper this morning, and well, it just so effectively captures my emotional state at this moment.

Well, I sent an email last night at midnight to Israel. It wasn't the go to hell you bastard email I should have sent, but it wasn't a groveling missive either. There was still a part of me that wanted to hang on to the idea that maybe there was something I hadn't conceived of. That he being systematically nibbled to death by mutant salamanders living in his toilet, or slowly being dissolved in a vat of acid by his ex wife or some other Sci-fi 2 am classic film plot idea. (Does NYC even have salamanders? Would I have to import them?)

No response. No phone calls. No emails. No excuses. No plausible deniability. No mitigating circumstances.

No hope.


So it's over people. He was acting wierd and I was right. My only regret is that I held on as long as I did. Actually no I do regret that I didn't sleep with him. Truly, because then I could just say well he was just another cheap piece ass that I won. But no. Now I have to sit here like Kevin Costner showing the Kennedy assasination in the film "JFK" ( Back and to the left, back and to the left). I have to keep going over and over in mind what the fuck happened? Because what the fuck did happen? As if knowing the reason would make it better. As if it would somehow lessen the blow.

But as Miracle Gro says, it doesn't matter, after me, no grass grows.

And isn't better to know than to pine and sit and make excuses and wait?

Oh yeah, I feel a lot better.

My students know something is wrong. Two of them told me they loved me today. They come in and sit in my office. They call me a genius. They ask me how I got to be this smart.

Right, so smart I was taken by a mop with an accent. That I actually thought that I might have what other people fall into easily.

Sometimes my students ask me what the hardest part of my job is, and I always tell them the same thing: being right.

And after two years of all this effort, where am I?

The same place I started: crying at my desk at work as I help my students achieve what I can not.

I stand by what I told Eric when he left, "Just shoot me, it would be kinder than what you are about to do."

Because no matter how eloquent you are, Goethe said it first and better

"A warmhearted youth becomes strongly attached to a girl: he spends every hour of the day in her company, lavishes all his energies and his fortune to prove that he is wholly devoted to her. Along comes some Philistine, a man of position and respectability, and says to him: 'My good young friend, I shall give you an analogy, to love is human but you must love within human bounds. Divide your time: devote a portion to your business and give the hours of recreation to your sweetheart'...If he was to follow this advice, he might become a useful member of society...but it is all over with his love, and, if he be an artist, with his art."
The Sorrows of Young Werther Goethe
Because the most important line is the one that you exit on

Well, I haven't sent Israel the big kiss off yet, but I'm working up to it. Being a perfectionist I want to it be as stylish as possible.

I've learned from experience that I have a great talent for saying incredibly hurtful and traumatic things during a break up. ( I think one of my best was when I told Eric "If you see me on the street, don't even wave because I don't know you and I don't want to know you.")

But I thought I'd give you two Bunni classics on the house ( and please note they are non-gender specific so that all of you can use them) because let's face it, some times the right thing to do is fire up the ole flame thrower and burn that bridge!

"Baby, I hope you are up on your history because that is what you are about to become."

"Oh, but we can still be friends."

"How about your lips becomes friends with my ass on its way out the door?"

Anybody else have some classic parting words?
Getting to know you
This is a fun little quiz courtesy of Hot Action. Please note I have ommitted some questions.

HAVE YOU:
1. KISSED YOUR COUSIN: Uh, no. But I am very attracted to one of my cousin's husbands.

2. RAN AWAY: well not unless you count my move to NYC

3. PICTURED YOUR CRUSH NAKED: Isn't that the only way to picture your crush?

4. ACTUALLY SEEN YOUR CRUSH NAKED: Ok I just got the telephoto lens people, let's not rush things.

5. BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART: Yes, at least three I can verify, but I suspect more than that. In fact, I'll probably break at least one more before the end of the year.

6. BEEN IN LOVE: yes

7. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: Yes, strangely, however, I did not cry when my father died.

8. WANTED SOMEONE YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T HAVE: Those are generally the only people I want

9. BROKEN A BONE: Not a one.

10. DRANK ALCOHOL: It is quickly becoming a basic food group.

11. LIED: All the time.

12. CRIED IN SCHOOL: Only once as I recall, but it was voice class. Every one cried in voice class. Some people cried in every single voice class. Me, I held out until the second to last week.

WHICH IS BETTER:
15. GIRLS OR GUYS: girls
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: candy-you can't really share flowers
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: depends on what I want the man for
18. QUIET OR LOUD: loud
19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: blondes
21. TALL OR SHORT: I want a viking damn it.

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX:

23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: eyes

24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: Eric Kinsman

25. WORST THING THEY COULD DO: act interested and then not call

THE LAST TIME:
26. SHOWERED: Today.

27. HAD SEX: Um, I plead the fifth.

28. had a great time with the opposite sex: October 31st 2003

WHAT IS:
29. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: don't believe in luck

30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: Right at the moment it's a tie between my "boyfriend" and a fellow professor-maybe I should put them in a colloseum together and make them fight for the title of most hated person.

31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: had someone tell me they love me and mean it

FAVORITES:
32. COLOR: purple

33. MOVIE: American Beauty

34. BOOK: The Tin Drum by Gunter Grasse

35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: Acting/English

36. JUICE: Lemonade-but only if it's REAL lemonade non of that lemon flavoring crap

38. ICE CREAM: Concession Obsession

39. HOLIDAY: Halloween

40. SEASON: Winter

41. BREAKFAST FOOD: eggs and cheese on a toasted whole wheat bagel

42. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: my bed ( or maybe the floor next to my bed)

WHO:
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: Rowan Atkinson

44. MAKES YOU SMILE: Miracle Gro

45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: the bride of Wildenstein

46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: This Irish guy named Eddie who is a construction worker and thinks he's not good enough for me. An indian travel agent. And, if certain sources are to be trusted, at least four of my former students.

47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: A cast of thousands. Miracle Gro. The "good" Justin.

48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: Lucia Mazella.

49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: guys-no doubt.

DO YOU EVER:
50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: Every night of my life until now.
51. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: OK my computer is powered by a hamster on a wheel. I need all the hardrive space I can get my hands on.

52. SAVE E-MAILS: Yes. I probably still have yours.

53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: again, every day of my life.

54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: On occassion I wonder about it, but really I have to admit I love having breasts.

55. CRY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: Yep, but more likely I cry because of my own mean words.

BEST:
56. COLOGNE: Polo by Ralph Lauren
57. PERFUME: Eau de Soir or Envy
58. KISS: Eric Kinsman-Feb 28th, 2000

HAVE YOU:
61. Fallen for your best friend?: yes. my first boyfriend.
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: Yep, I've slept with a few of them too.
63. Been rejected? Every day.
64. Been in love?: Yes
65. Been in lust?: Constantly.
66. Used someone?: Only every man I ever met.
67. Been used?: Yep, but usually because I encourage it.
69. Been cheated on? Yes.
70. Been kissed? God I hope so, otherwise I've been doing it wrong for years.
71. Done something you regret?: Every day.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON:
72. You touched?: Miracle Gro.
73: You talked to: Luke Duke
74. You hugged?:Shutterbug.
75. You instant messaged?: JP Walt
76. You kissed?: This cute drunken 21 year old professional doorman outside of F's.
77. You had sex with?: You by myself or with a partner?
78. You yelled at? actually I rarely yell, but I am going to yell at Casey tomorrow.
79. You laughed with?: Miracle Gro.
80. Who broke your heart?: Ton Ami.
81. Who told you they loved you?: a former student

DO YOU:
82. Color your hair?: Yes.
83. Have tattoos?: No.
84. Have piercings?: My ears. Just one.
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: I guess in a way sort of
Better Living Through Alcohol

Bartender: So, Bunni, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Bunni: Taller.

(later that same night)

Bartender: I put the game on so that people can watch, and this bollocks puts the jukebox on. What can you do about some people?

Bunni: Two things:a scope rifle and alibi. ( pause) And I'll give you the ailibi.
I found myself alone alone alone beside the raging sea
"Pictures of You" by The Cure

Well, I think the time has come to say good-bye to Israel.
And what better way than to have a big public-what i would like to say to you but you're a waste of eloquent prose send off.

So, ahem, here goes.

You know what the first thing they teach us in acting school is? They teach us something very important. The first thing they taught us is is how you find out who a character really is. You can't trust what they say about themselves, people lie and they lie to themselves as well. You can't trust the other characters to tell the truth about your character because there are all these motives and so forth. So what's left? Acts. Acts. That's the only way you can judge a character. You say that you want a relationship and that I'm important. But then you don't return phone calls. Or even notice that I'm not calling. You say that you want an honest relationship, but when I open up to you, you say that it scares you. I may be an English teacher, but I don't just put my faith in words. I put them in acts. And you are sadly lacking in the acts department.

"Phase One of a fight: identify yourself. 'Do you know who I am? Do you know who the fuck I am?'"-Richard Jeni

You told me in the beginning of the relationship that I was an amazing woman. Totally unique. And you know what? You're right. I'm gorgeous, smart, funny, eloquent, accomplished, well read, cultured, and well mannered. You said that you wanted me to be confident. That you wanted me to believe in myself as much as you do. Well, guess what? I do. I believe that I can be treated a lot better than the way you are treating me. Hell, I've been treated better by married men. Monday night I went out, and I was hit on by four men. Four. And one was a totally hot 21 year old. You are not the only one in this relationship who is a valuable commodity. Trust me, my market value is pretty damn high too.

"Phase Two of a fight: identify your attacker. 'And who the fuck are you? Who the fuck do you think you are?'"-Richard Jeni

You said you were totally unique. Let me tell you something. You're so proud of the long hair and the accent. Well, let me tell you all I need a mop and a tape recorder and there you are. You're unique? Please, do you know how many men aren't calling at this particularly juncture in my life? Hundreds. Perhaps thousands. And another being manipulative bastard isn't particularly unique. Trust me, there are men all over New York with your exact same act.

"Interesting game, Professor. The only way to win is not to play."-the Computer from War Ganes

You are a sales manager. You're good at manipulating desire. I admit it. You know how to create it and control it.
What you didn't count on is that I can resist desire. I lived without a tv for seven years. And I lived quite happily without you for 28 years. Something tells me I can make it without you.

PS Your cat is dead. Name of a play I saw once when I was kid starring Horseshack from Welcome Back Kotter

And yeah, I am absolutely astounding in bed. Once a man has sex with me, he will never want to touch another woman as long as he lives. In the words of Buffy Summers, I have muscles you haven't even begun to imagine.

And imagining is all you have left, baby.
Advice: the wise man doesn't need it, and the fool doesn't listen.
-My father

Here is a smattering of advice on the Israel question

My Mother-
"When he doesn't call you, don't call him. Blow him off."

Miracle Gro-
"You have to say to yourself, no, stop. Look, life is short, and you only have one life. You are going to waste it on feeling bad? No, the problem here is that you are talking to much to yourself and you don't have enough answers. I can see it in you. You have to just tell those voices in your head to shut up. If you do that even for one minute, you're going to feel better. So just say to yourself, no, I'm not going to feel bad."

Flibberdegibbet (another dance teacher-in this case female)
"You sound angry. That's not like you. Listen, no guy is worth destroying who you are. You're beautiful and smart and funny. And you don't need this.

Mrs. Shutterbug (only married a few months to Shutterbug-a professional photographer)

"Listen, you have to ask yourself exactly how much bullshit you are willing to put up with? I mean set out parameters. You have no idea the shit I put up with from Shutterbug the first few months of dating. He would say things like 'Yeah I'll be at this party, unless I leave with some blonde with fake tits before you get there.' And he meant it. I mean, you have no idea what this guy put me through. And I broke up with him. I got to a point and I said 'You know what? You aren't worth this.' And then we got back together. But let me tell you, I really love my husband, but I wish I was still single. That Jane Austen's Emma is bullshit, it's not real. Women are conditioned to believe that they aren't complete without men. But really women are better able to deal with things financially, emotionally, and physically with out men. All that romantic crap about how great love is-it's a fantasy. It's not real. But back to your problem. Listen, you're telling me that you feel you've already lost him. Well then you can look at it two ways. Either you are correct, you have correctly interpreted the data and now you have to act on it. Or maybe you think you'll feel worse if you do that. You say you feel like you've already lost, but you haven't put an end to it yet, which means you still have some kind of hope. You have to ask yourself if what you are dealing with is worth that hope. Maybe it is. But maybe it isn't. You're the only person who can answer that question.

My Therapist-

You need to get angry. Not at yourself, at him. I don't know where you anger has gone, but you need to find it. You need to mobilize it. And you need to confront him. You need closure.

Of course, as my father used to say "The truth is people don't really want advice. They are going to do what they are going to do no matter what you say. If you want to help someone, what you do is you be there for them when they need you.
What if Mom discovered your blog?

The Onion faces what apparently is a frightening thought for millions of bloggers, what if your mom found your blog? Considering how many blogs are listed under real names and how many of our parents are savvy enough to handle even the most basic google search, I'm not sure how terrified the blogging populace is. I GAVE my mother the address of this blog, which may be indicative of the odd kind of relationship she and I have. Still, I don't live in terror of discovery.

On the other hand, I'm no where near as open as some bloggers like Philip Clark who even went so far as to include his mailing address in one of his entries. I not only maintain this blog under a pseudonym, but I do not generally give the address out to people who know me. Several people at work know I maintain a blog, but none of them know the address ( and apparently don't have the drive to say look over my shoulder while I am editing my blog in the computer lab). My main reason for anonymity has to do with my job and not my fear of other people knowing what I am thinking.

But, let's hear it fellow bloggers, for those of you who blog under your real name, are you afraid of anyone finding your blog? Mom? Co-workers? Exs? For those of you who blog under a pseudonym, why are "protecting" your identity?

I notice many of you blog under a pseudonym, but post comments under your first name. What is the system working there?

Just curious to see what you all have to say.

PS

Although the article is satirical in nature, Blogger has posted a response including handy tips to avoid Mom, or really any other unwanted visitor, from finding your blog. I have to say none of their tips come as much of a surprise. For those of you who are adamant about protecting yourself, any helpful tips for the rest of us?
"Everyone is going to tell you the same thing. Ask you to do them a favor. Do this for us. They want you to play by rules, Jack. Their rules. Well, you can save that candy stripe shit for the wimps down on Wall street. This is your jungle. These are your mean streets. So the only interests that you have to worry about protecting are yours. And the only needs that you have to worry about servicing are yours. So the only question you have to answer, and think about this Jack, is what is it that I really want?" Guy ( Frank Whalley) in Swimming with Sharks

OK so that's a really long title. I watched the film again this weekend-one o fmy faves-only Kevin Spacey tied to a chair could STILL get the upper hand in a situation. Originally I didn't like the ending of the film, and I still have issues, but when I watch it now I see that the ending is inevitable ( which technically could make it a tragedy by Aristotlean standards-a character of high moral fiber falls by virtue of his fatal flaw-the only failure is that there is no reversal of fortune).

OK, so I wrote an email to Israel. Light, fluffy, like four lines long. A kind of "Oh I turned off my phone for two days so I could be a decadent sloth. Figured since you had so much work you would be ok with that. What are you up to wednesday night?"

And I have heard bupkis?

No.

I think, from what I have seen, that Paul is correct this is a man who indeed wants to be pursued. It seems I have again bungled my way into the dog house. But I do maintain I in this case I didn't do anything wrong. I was stressed out, and so I took time by myself. It's like I saw he called and didn't answer or return his call. It's not like I said I would call and didn't. He could argue that I'm ducking him, but really we made no plans for the weekend. And he didn't leave any messages anyway, so I don't see where he can angry.

And yet I overwhelmed with fear that I have screwed up yet again.

But here is another question. It seems that Israel creates more upset and panic than he soothes. If that is the case, and certainly has been for the last two weeks, should I continue? If I don't get some positive feedback soon should I leave?

There is a part of me that curses that I've stayed as long as I have that I should have just been like "Listen, you're acting wierd and that's it." The other part says I've held on this long, I'm not leaving until I'm sure it's the right decision.

Again, I plead for a simpler life.
I was kind of hoping for Vampire Princees Miyu


You are Jesse Custer.
Jesse is as tough as they come and always willing
to prove it. He'll kick your ass for being a
jackass. Or back you up if you prove that
you're a man. An actual good guy, Jesse's word
and honor is without reproach.


What Gritty No Nonsense Comic Book Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

courtesy of Kelvin Green

An Open Letter to Israel

Two years. It's been over two years since I felt this rush, this giddiness. Sometimes that's what the nervousness is, the flush of the cheeks when I hear his voice, the inadvertent smile when his name is mentioned, the re-awakening of possibilities long since dormant. When he left, I shut myself off. Cast myself as a martyr or saint, a girl who would have to go without. Of course, it couldn't be my fault. I dated. Men fell, but I never felt anything for them. They were just distractions and sooner or later I got bored. It didn't take much, one insensitive remark, one phone call not returned, and it was over. I would call and put it end to it. Some of them chased me afterwards, but I had already moved on.

There was never a shortage of sex. Never a shortage of men to buy me drinks on a friday night, to put a hand on my leg, or compliment me. There was always a shortage of men to wake up to, a shortage of men to take walks with or snuggle on the couch or simply sit next to each other doing work. The men I did want, the men I did chase after were the ones I couldn't have for some reason. They were in love with their work or their girlfriends. They were undependable or didn't want a relationship. I chased them, and when they predictably rejected me I held this as a sign to the world that I wasn't meant to have love. That I was meant for a different kind of life. A life of disappointment, or unfulfilled longing, which might translate well into my work. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want a happy, romantic life with children, that I just felt that way because I couldn't have it, and once I did, I would reject it.

When this numbness started, two weeks after september 11th, I met a man whose wife had died there. He was destroyed. He rarely slept. He drank and smoked to the point of oblivion every night. At first, people said to give him time and wait. Time continued, and he grew worse, the insomnia the drinking intensified. His sister tried to talk to him about it, and he told her that his behavior would bring him closer to his dead wife.

But then things changed, His drinking eased off, and his smoking too. The other week I spoke to him, and he has a girlfriend now. I see them holding hands in the street. And I thought if it was time for him to move on, then it's time for me.

And yet beneath everything there is that fear, what if I am not capable? What if I do the wrong thing, and then I have only myself to blame for the years of loneliness to come? What if I am not indeed intended for this happy life?

Others fall into so easily, why must I stay awake and fret about each move? do I call or wait? do I trust or attempt to investiaget my suspicions? do I trust myself?

Because I trusted myself last time and look what happened.
Can't Anything Be Simple?

Jesus, I feel like a gossip column these days. I took the GRE on friday, didn't do as badly as I thought. The math score was better than expected ( I was aiming very low) but the verbal score wasn't as high as it should have been. This is what I get for not knowing the third defintion of the word "plangent." Anyway, I went and had a victory martini afterwards and was in bed by four in the afternoon. (Well, I had to get up at 5:30 to take the exam.) So I'm going to have to take the exam again. I have to get in the high seven hundreds before I go for the doctorate.

And now for the gossip. Israel called at around 2 to see how I did on the test. How nice of him, right? Except he said he was going to call at 11:15. Well I could have forgiven that, but because of the stress I was under I shut my cell phone off for the weekend. I haven't taken a call since friday at seven. I thought there would be a message or something. Nope, not a word.
So now I have to decide. Do I stay commited to my premise of "giving him distance" until he realizes that I'm not around or do I call and say "Oh, did you miss me?"

Why are these things always so difficult?

And to complicate matters even further I have a man who desperately wants me, who is willing to do whatever I want, but of course, I have no respect for and therefore no desire for him.

Damn it.